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Mich opens up his old diary he got from Vol for christmas a few years back and looks at the notes he'd written. Reading through his thoughts from the past before he sits at hid kitchen table and stares for what seems a long time. He picks up the pen and writes.
I can't really word what's not there right now. But I felt I needed to return to this book and jot it down. That therapist told me to jot it down when it pulled me to do so. Or if something is pulling me. Something is pulling me.
I was so damn happy. She clung to my back like a monkey, I could feel her legs wrapped around me. Gods, it was like, heaven on earth as we walked towards that hospital. She wants to have my baby. Her and I will be unstoppable. The world can fall away and this day, this day, marks the best day of my life.
Up until that moment I was terrified of everything she represented. I couldn't be any more crazy about a girl than I am this one, she's ruined me for anyone else. I don't even think about anyone else. It's like a damn curse.
The doctor, the first doctor, could tell she had head trauma, and was going to disallow the invitro. My heart sank. Then as if Satan himself pulled that woman down into the abyss and replaced her he did. His name was Derek. That girl in the panda suit threw bunnies at us. She didn't know us. Stuffed bunnies as we came into the hospital lobby. You see what I'm saying? It was the marking of a huge event, and I could tell it was written in the stars as they say.
My meds, I should tell you, keep me from seeing clearly sometimes, though often I think they just mask the truth. They hold back the real me. And on this day, I was clearheaded, fresh out of jail, she looked beautiful, and I was clean. No meds.
Derek made me stand outside and they talked inside for a while before I could go back in. Once in there Derek said some weird things about Dion and the child of Belial. It angered me. Deeply. I don't even know how I kept it in check and didn't break all his fingers but I did. Told us he'd destroy us if we had a girl. At first I found it odd that Kirvi was freaking out about having a girl and insisted we'd have a boy. I mean, I told her I'd /like/ to have a boy but I would love a girl as much. No difference really. She wants a boy. She told Derek it would be a boy. She reminded the previous doctors to make sure all the boys were in that petri dish and no girls. Insisted it be a boy.
Doubt. Doubt is a horrible thing. It is good, in so far as it forces one to press into the inconsistencies till that pure product, Truth is found, but when I feel it, it's like a sinking blob of emptiness fills and surrounds me till I can find that truth, or deny the doubt.
He inserts the egg into her uterus. There's some blood, some of mine, some of hers, he's rubbing her clit and sucking on her arm, which, I, in hindsight hate myself for allowing. GODS ITS ALL WRONG SATAN! Why give this gift of Kirvi to me if I have to share her with everyone!!!!!! I deserve happiness!! YOU KNOW MY HISTORY! YOU KNOW ME!
Mich barely writes the last line before he swipes the book off the table and it crashes to the floor, hands in fury press to the bottom of the table and flip it as he stands, balled fists, and a primal scream of rage that startles his crow and the cats run off upstairs. Breath pants through expanded nostrils like a Thoroughbred after a race before he makes himself a drink. Vodka, straight. After a drink, he's back. He picks up the book and the table tossing it back into his place crookedly, and sits down again. He writes.
I took this... person.. in. I don't know why I did, he was from the home land, he seemed like a misunderstood guy. I CAN'T RELATE TO MISUNDERSTOOD GUYS. So. Anyways... Katsuo. Katsuo's his name. Cute fella, nice, a little scrawny and wow is he a weakling, but everybody picks on him and he's got this funny thing about him that makes me grin. I like him. I don't make friends easy. At all in fact. I've been told I'm too blunt. Too forward, I rub people wrong. Let me tell you something. I speak the truth. If people can't hear the truth then they can't be around me. It's as simple as that. I have almost no verbal filter whatsoever. So, he moves in. I invite him in. No rent, no nothing. Out of the GOODNESS of my heart. Help him with Nick. Katsuo was used and possibly raped I dunno by some cult members behind my back. I defend him against Jess and Mitt, called out Shay who wasn't even involved and threatened Izu his little fucking pet that he's 'claimed' and if I hear that Sub tell me he's a Baron and that I gotta watch myself one more time I'm gonna put a pipe through his fuckin skull. I thought he was there at the time. It was an eye for an eye move. The threat I mean. Fuck with my friend I'll fuck with your friend type deal. That's how Satanism works. Either way, Shay wasn't even there.
On a side note, I can't take him seriously when he says that. I'm a straight man. He's a.. sub to Mitt. I respect him as a cult member but when a guy that crawls around on his knees in a collar or whatever the fuck they do behind closed doors, eat dogfood with his ass cheeks, I dunno, comes at me threatening me and warning me? HAHAHAHAHA. It's so hard not to just laugh in his fuckin face. Kirvi told me he's 2nd to Dion. That was news to me. No one tells me shit. I work in the City of Detroit half the week then come home and find out all kinds of new shit.
Anyways -- In Jail, two days. Come home. House is trashed. Kitchen, living room. Upstairs. Little bitch Katsuo is using MY ROOM and the animals have vomited in the house, and haven't been fed. That vomit had fucking orange crackers for fuck sake. Cats don't eat crackers. He runs upstairs when I tell him to clean up the fuckin mess he left us, like a teenaged BITCH he shuts himself in MY ROOM! I know Kirvi is probably down there secretly just hating me and knowing here it comes, temper-man. I went up and busted my own door in and told that little entitled piece of shit to get the fuck out! I'm not gonna be his gods damn daddy. Fuck that little shitdick.
So later I'm on twitter. Bitching about him cause I saw him immediately post a sad face on Twitter. Like he didn't fuckin deserve it. POOR KATSUO AND HIS ENTITLED LITTLE LIFE BOO FUCKING HOOO I'M KATSUO.
I said 'my bad' to the fellas, that I would have held his head if I had known what a little weasel ungrateful self serving cunt this guy was. Shay of course jumped back on that whole 'Izu bla bla I warned you bla bla'. Jess then later comes in with the whole 'i was gonna make amends but meeeeeh not now I guess' speech. Then out of fucking NO WHERE, Dion, who NEVER SPEAKS TO ME ever, decides to gimme his two cents 'calm the fuck out or else' speech. AND THIS WAS ALL CAUSE I APOLOGIZED.
Weak. Shouldn't have said shit. I should have known a bunch of cunts disguised as dicks would attack me when I was making amends. That's what bitches do. Excuse me GIRLS. Girls don't attack when you're righteous. They snap those bitey little remarks in at you when you're vulnerable and showing remorse.
If Shay had instead come at me and punched me in the face instead of strike one-ing my ass, I'd have had some respect for him, even if he is a sub.
That's all this journal is good for. Just some place for me to talk. Sometimes I feel better after I write it out, some days I still have that blob around my head. Today, that blob is still there after all this. Means, there's something still there. Means this ain't over. I deactivated Twitter cause I'm gonna say some shit to all of them. I love Kirvi. I love/hate Kirvi actually. Cause I wouldn't have to be pussyfooting around like some BITCH! if I didn't have to watch what I do for her sake.
Takeshi is right, this shit does make me weak. Love. Babies. Giving a shit. I'm doing it again. I'm opening up my life to someone. Big mistake Mich. Big mistake.
Lemme tell you something journal, if that bitch turns out to be invitro'ing Dion's prodigy into her loins and acting like its mine? I will murder her. I will cut her lying fucking throat and kill that abomination of a lie baby, and then blow my own fucking head off. You better believe I will.
That being said. I might be a daddy soon. We'll see. I love you Kaoru, and daddy misses you sweetheart.
Mich closes his journal and sighs out wrapping the elastic around it and hides it up behind the electrical box in the attic and goes about his day.
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