August 27, 2011

Written in red pen, hand writing is shaky at best

I really don't know where to begin, Zim and I got back together after I was nearly killed and just about lost the boys. I am mostly confused, I don't know if I am back with him because I really do love him or for fear he will do something horrible to me or the kids. Either way I still can't figure out why I never got the divorce papers signed by a judge.

So life has been odd, After the boys I went back to drinking, made me feel me again. But I can't shake the feeling that there is something going on, I keep hearing whispers in my head, more so when I am sober. I think she is coming back, the monster I wanted out of my life, she takes over and makes me do things. I am so afraid she is going to hurt Zim or the kids, or even get me killed.

The funny part is Zim wants her back, says she would be better for me. Does he know what that bitch does? god she has nearly gotten me killed so many times, and I take the blame for it, she thinks blanking out my memories helps me. I want to be able to control her but she just controls me. I don't want to rely on drugs and alcohol just so i am not afraid for my life. I should stop, i need to get out for some air.

*journal is closed and hiden safely under the bar in the studio.*