I seem to have found I can not feel anymore,never written before in such a book.Though I am told its suppose to help,so far it hasn't and neither talking of it has helped.I gave everything I could to him,told him everything I could about me and this was my fate ,my reward.He ripped my heart,soul,spirit apart when he kicked me the way he did.He didn't devour me,no,he destroyed everything I am.I now find myself a lifeless shell,feeling nothing and just existing.I just can't understand why he left me,why he felt I no longer loved him when I did.Was it wrong that I left him screaming,when he was taken,when I wanted him to suffer as I am suffering. I may seem like I do not feel,but I am in so much pain,so much more then anyone has ever put on me.

My pain that he inflicted will not stop here,I know it.His sister wants to kill me,my brothers boyfriend will want to kill me.They all blame me,I wasn't even sure if he really was screaming,they had to convince me that he really was hurt.Part of me is deeply sadden and wished I had helped him and the other part is wishing I had helped in beating him.The screaming keeps going,I hear them louder and now Pagans screams go with them,I have to silence them.I have to bring peace to them,they need to rest.I find myself thinking I am nothing more then a fuck toy for anyone,used for sex and tossed away.That I am only good enough to be a door mat for everyone to step on, a punching bag.Why can't I feel anymore,I want to smile again and laugh.I miss laughing,I miss joy.Where did it go,did he take them with him when he left me like everyone has.I made a friend and she adopted em as a little brother.She said she never leave ME,that I am stuck with her.

This thought comforts me,to be told they never leave and that they make no promises to me,so that I can never be let down.She says I will love again,but I don't want to.I can't take this pain,it is something I don't know how to fix.Why did he have to leave me,why did he have to stop being around me.Is Riley right,was my insanity driving him away form me,how can I stop being the monster, the demon.Am I doomed to be alone,forever watching everyone have what I want.All I asked was to be fought for,to be held,to be loved and in the end I was hurt and alone.I am always alone,left in the darkness of my cage.Maybe all I can be is a dog,just only good for is to obey and do the tricks that is commanded of me.

*Written in a black leather bound book Raven keeps on him it is small book.*