1/18/16
I very seldom feel the need to write out my feelings. Why? Well, because quite frankly… I don’t have many. I shut them off so many years ago when mom and dad were murdered. I’ve kept it up perfectly and life is so much simpler this way. I only allow myself to feel when I want.
Recently this has changed. Ever since I’ve become pregnant, I find myself struggling to keep my emotions at bay. I’m still doing a relatively good job, but as time goes by I feel like I’m losing it. There are parts of me that actually feel like I care for people and their situations, and it’s all so strange.

When I first found out I was with child, I was angry. I never wanted this. I grew up my whole life alone in this city, roaming the streets while my parents did what they could so we would survive. I never knew my real father. I do not want a spawn of mine to have a life like I did. Recently, I found my brother - all I can think about is how many siblings out there my child may have. I’ve been told Dion has had many children. Maybe one day I’ll ask for a number.

I haven’t been sober in months. Day in and day out I would drink.. but my true vice started in the form of that white powder when Braeden disappeared. I don’t blame him at all.. there’s no resentment. In fact, some part of me thinks he might be the only man I’m capable of ever truly loving. It’s just.. I needed something to fill the void. I still miss him.

When I found out about the baby, I couldn’t stop. The past few months have been struggle day in and day out.. but, truth be told, I didn’t want to get clean because I didn’t want to accept what was happening to me.

Well, it’s time that I have to. Tarra took away Mela’s baby, and things are shifting. I’m still not sure to this day who the child belonged to, and with the conversation I was apart of last night, it's apparent I'm not the only one.

It seems over the past few weeks stories keep coming up about people losing their children. And it started to stick with me, and honestly it started to make me feel guilty. I have to stay clean (I have been sober for a week today), because I have to keep this child, whether I’m ready for it or not. Maybe it will be a gift, or maybe it will be a curse. That I am not sure of as of yet. But as little as I care or feel, I am starting to care for this being inside of me. And at the end of the day, it is mine - and I will never let anyone take away something that is mine.