[In both of Jayde's desks, the one in her office at the VIP Lounge in Dead Drop and the one in her private home off sim, stacks of notebooks can be found. They are filled with a mixture of scrawled, barely legible handwriting, elegantly written notes and poems, matter of fact to do lists, etc... The oldest ones are in a child's hand writing often written in crayon; while the newer ones are mostly filled with notes on dance routines and show ideas.]

Jayde hesitates before cracking open a fresh notebook, she normally only resorted to writing when she had no other outlet for her emotions, but for some reason she felt like she needed to start up again. The idea of keeping the journals had started when she was a child, right after her mother had left taking Jay with her. Her father had taken her to see a counselor after two weeks of being kept awake by her screaming and crying out for her brother. The counselor had suggested the writing and doodling as a way for her to express the feelings she hadn't been able to put into words. Over the years she has gone back to the journals from time to time during periods of intense emotional distress, but now the reason is different. She taps the pen against her shin as she looks down at the clean sheet of paper organizing her thoughts and then puts pen to paper and begins to write.

12/01/2011

So, the night before last after Z fell asleep I snuck out to buy a pregnancy test, but was too scared to take it right away, and by the time I got home it was nearly time for him to wake up. I stuffed it under the bed, climbed in next to him and preended to be asleep when he woke up. I had planned to take it while he was out for the day, but with the upcoming show and christmas... the day was far too busy. Alecia and Cat ended up surprising us with dinner and a movie at home, so while I snuck upstairs to change I finally broke down and took the test. Z came up just after I got the results. I tried to hurry out and let him find the test on his own but he knew right away something was wrong. I was so scared when he looked at the test. All I could think about was when Varr used to threaten to throw me down the stairs and the staircase right behind me, but Z was so excited and happy about the results. He hugged me and kissed me and told me how much he loved me and how he thinks I'm gonna be a great mom...I just hope he's right. Then he asked me about how we were gonna tell everyone else...I had been so scared about his reaction I hadn't even thought of telling anyone else.

When we got downstairs Gin was there, apparently Alecia told her I'd been sick and as always Gin went into doctor mode. I tried to blow it off, but by the way she was looked at me I knew that she knew, after she left to go to work she texted me and Z both a list of no nos and we scheduled my first appointment for the 13th. I think the others have their suspicions, but they haven't asked outright, so I'm planning to surprise them with an ultrasound pic.

In other news... Fray texted me about needing help protecting Jimmy. I told her ofcourse I would help, just needed time to make arrangements. The last I heard someone was coming to help get them out of the hospital. I never heard back after that, and I have no idea of they're okay. I haven't heard from Nic lately either, I know he's avoiding me so I won't nag him about his drug problem or the drinking. It hurts that he won't talke to me... I know I was really harsh with him the last time we really talked, but damn we've been friends too long for it to come between us like this.

At least I can say business is decent, after the halloween show we took a long break for anything major at the club, which gave us time to get the diner, studio, and theater all up and running. The cllub has been picking up more everyday traffic here and there as well, and with the upcoming Christmas show I'm sure there will be a packed house again. I really hope so since this will be my last show, at least until after the baby comes... I still find it hard to believe I'm going to be a mom!

Jayde drops the pen back into the cup and then closes the notebook running her hands over the cover of it before picking it up and dropping it into the open drawer on top of the overs. She slides the drawer closed and lets out a sigh before getting to her feet and heading out the door for the club to work on ideas for the show.