((the entries are written inside of a small black journal, nothing fancy. the handwriting is very scribbled, with the right hint of 'girly' applied. it's atleast legible, but barely, a combination of script and regular handwriting.))

11/12/12

how cheesy are these things? i havent wrote in one in years. but my headspace needs cleared desperately, and after googling some ideas (i refuse to go to therapy!) this seemed like it might help a bit. venting without judgment.

a lot of anger today, both on the receiving and giving sides. lots of contractions and pain so i spent most of the day laying around the house.. it's too early for the baby to come. although it's honestly been a miracle that after everything i've put myself into during this pregnancy that he's even alive. the week in the sewer.. the injuries.. the jail time. i know, i fucked up bad. i get reminded of it everyday.

a text came through from mel telling me something was wrong with lian. i panicked and rushed to them. i wasn't sure what to make of it at the time but we pieced together later that someone must of drugged him. i've never seen anything like it, he listened to her every command! he even kicked mel.. he was about to leave me to go with her. even thinking about it makes me sick. he got tazed twice. honestly it made me happy to watch, is that wrong? i was so mad at him, before i could understand. and even after..i cant control it.

then before i could even process that, more anger. hyeena is so mad over what happened to that girl from the coffee shop. i tried to tell him she was just in the wrong place at the wrong time but he wasn't having it. not that i can blame him, im trying to put myself in his position. when you care about something you go blind to reasoning. we live in hell, of course he'd be worried about her safety. then vance actually confronted me about his kidnapping. i probably shouldn't even be writing this on paper, i'm surprised the police aren't after me yet. i hadn't even thought about the consequences of what i helped happen to him. i was just all for it, not even thinking it through. spontaneous and me are not a good mixture. i was angry at him for what he wrote in the paper, and how he treated me like a bad person because of what i played. em deserved that torture and i'll never regret it. and i'll never forgive her for almost killing me, jubi, and the babies. but no one seems to understand.. they actually felt bad for her!

anyways, back to the anger. when lidia stabbed him, he gave me this look.. and suddenly i realized what i did and felt really guilty. but the texts made it worse. i honestly didnt know he considered me a friend like that. i feel awful.

there was a fire last night, and lidia exploded into a bomb of pink paint. i havent heard from her since.. but in the midst of the fire i saw dos equis stickers burning. i have a feeling it was a message. lian got scared again and told me i need out because of the baby. i hate when he gets in these moods because all we do is argue. sometimes i think i'm not fit to be a mother. last night was one of those times.