November 9th 2011
( Written in exceptionally shaky handwriting )

So Nikolai said I was an alcoholic ! And yet again he accused me of doing drugs !! Fucker , How could he accuse me of that when I am trying so hard to keep the baby safe. I even stopped drinking .. period but I always seem to have done something wrong in his eyes. He said that my sickness and shakes were alcohol withdrawal. DID IT NEVER OCCUR TO HIM THAT IT COULD BE MORNING SICKNESS !!!

I am not an alcoholic ... I am not. But hey what does it matter what he thinks .. I go and grab a cup of coffee and he accuses me of doing drugs . Last time he accused me of that he took my kids away from me and yes I was innocent. I could have had drugs today ... But I said no to that special coffee in the Red Herring . Speaking of which there may be some business to be had from there . Petra ( who must be super woman with the amount of work she does ( Makes me glad my only responsibilities are Pravda and my family . ) So I think Nikolai is going to try and find her guy Eph. He best be careful though ... he is a captain in DEPD . Sure Petra said that I can't judge a book by it's badge . Ack I feel torn I don't want us to miss a potentially good business opportunity but I don't like the idea of being stuck in those police cells ever again ... I mean what kind of place is that ? It has it's own BDSM equipment and does anybody care ? .. No of course not . Nobody cares .. about anybody .. why should I bother caring about anybody that is not in my family .

I can't think straight ... I has difficulty sleeping last night and 2 hours I got I was plagued by terrifying nightmares. I dreamed of that coffin again .. I hate it I can't get it out of my mind thoughts I was going to die .. I don't know why I do not hate him for doing that to me... anyway that is irrelevant now ... This morning sickness is horrible I am shaking and I have a headache , I haven't eaten in two days ... I have am having to write because I feel clammy and something is crawling on my skin .. This is the best distraction I can think of. Maybe I should write a diary more often. It's nice to be able to tell somebody who won't flip out at me .. treat me like a child .

I feel bad about writing that about Nikolai I love him , I really do... Everybody has their faults but whatever he does he does for the benefit of the family. He is an excellent provider a good dad , my protector and he genuinely loves me. He has improved his behaviour so much. He has not beat me in such a long time. I should be grateful for him I could be with a lot worse. I must be nicer to Nikolai .. show him that I appreciate him. I need to remember he is under a big amount of strain. He doesn't mean it. I love him so much.