The Man Behind the Monster.

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nikolai niekerk

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The Man Behind the Monster.
Nikolai Niekerk's collected thoughts.

Entry 1: The Fray.

Interesting. That's the one word that comes in mind when I think of time after we took Fray in.

It makes me smile, to think of those first memories on her. Such a headstrong character. Stubborn as hell too. It was impossible for her to accept defeat, she would not recognize her own limits. She didn't know anything about real life. She knew how to hurt people, how to kill people, she was like an animal. She reminded me of myself. Maybe that is why I took a liking to her and took her under my wing. Maybe I should have realized back then just how much like me she was, just how difficult it would be for her... For us.

Trouble.

Trouble indeed, most certainly what she always was most adept at. Causing it. I cannot even begin to count the times I have ran to her rescue, or had to pick up the pieces when she got hurt. She always made a habit of biting more than she could chew. I don't think anyone could tell how many confrontations, arguments, feuds and revenge attacks we could have avoided if she hadn't instigated it. But I would always take her side, always make sure that she would not be wronged by the others. She was family.

Proud.

Yes. I felt proud. I felt proud of her so many times. Like a dog, when she learned a new trick, understood the world just a little bit better, bit by bit. She would get smarter, she would learn to understand her limits. She would learn to understand the value of the family and love and care for us like we loved and cared for her. I felt proud when she found someone to love. I never thought she could get that far with the social ability she possessed when I first met her. I felt proud to be... I don't even know what I am to Aideen, but damn did I feel proud and happy for Fray.

Disappointed.

And then there were the lows, like there is in every human relationship. I was disappointed by the way she kept failing to show respect to Roxy. I was disappointed every time she would get into a confrontation she could not win. I was disappointed when she decided to keep hanging out with that Jimmy-boy, even after the blatant lies and disrespect he showed toward the family. I wish I could say I was never disappointed by her, but I was.

Love and Care.

My family is what is the most important to me. When me and Roxy took Fray in the family, even shared our name with her. I was happy to call her a Niekerk. It was our way of showing how we loved and cared for her. And her way of showing us how she loved us to take the name. To the Niekerks family always comes first, that's the most important. If you don't have the support of the family you are alone, and alone, you are vulnerable. I take pride in protecting my pack, looking after them, and making sure everyone got everything in order. Even as Fray decided to leave Grimm for Jimmy, I wouldn't hate her for it, it was more important to see her happy than to act on personal distaste.

Betrayed

But this is where we are now. I see a different Fray. One that has learned to care, she has learned to see her limits... She has learned to respect Roxy too. Oh she has learned so much. For that I am proud. I also see a different Fray, one that fails to see the good in herself and wallows in self pity and hatred. So far that she forgets what's important. So much she would rather flee from it all rather than take support from those she is supposed to trust. I thought it was the last straw when she fled home, but I gave her another chance... Extended my hand to her once more even as she disregarded the family. I cannot stop caring for one I learned to care. But today she did the unthinkable. To hide behind Jimmy when Roxy walked in, to act frightened in her presence? I cannot understand what is she playing at. To show the one who cares of her and loves her the most in front of everyone. What must they think of Roxy now? I have accepted a lot from Fray before now, but to show Roxy up as some sort of an abusive monster? I cannot see that as anything else as betrayal.

To let go?

It's difficult. I don't want to let go... But I do not know if she would be better off with or without us. I don't know if we would be better off with or without her. But she has others now. It's not just us, she has someone to go to, and she will learn to live without us, like she learned to live with us. If she hides from us behind others, surely she trusts them over us? Surely that is where her loyalities lie. Surely it would be best for her to find new ventures and for us to let go? I don't know... I need to sleep on it, I don't want to let go, I don't think Roxy wants either. God we love that woman but how much can we bend before we break?

We have so many memories of Fray now, in good and in bad... And those memories will always live within us, no matter what happens now, and I wouldn't change a thing.

I'll always have Roxy. I know my wife will stay by me and choose me over everyone else when it matters. Maybe I am the fool to think that the rest of my family would do the same.

November 11, 2011 at 5:23 am
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nikolai niekerk

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November 24, 2011 at 8:48 pm
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nikolai niekerk

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November 30, 2011 at 4:05 am
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